September 23, 2003
Urban tribes cont'd
This is another one of those comments-turned-blogpost. Read my previous entry and the discussion that follows for background.
Both Mesh and Mike Hardie have pointed out that a lot of our generation's delay in getting married might be due to the fact that we've seen bad examples of marriage and are leery of entering into it until we feel that we're ready. I'm willing to grant the presence of a residual and healthy paranoia concerning marriage, given the fact that a significant portion of our parents generations seems to have screwed up pretty badly, and managed to screw up a lot of us in the process. My parents did fine, but I knew and know a lot who didn't.
That being the case, I'm still not convinced that it's it. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we really all want to be Peter Pan. There's a big step to be taken in getting married. Marriage is an entrance bar to adult civilization that seems to have no substitute no matter how old you get or what degrees you earn. It's the highest symbol of the assumption of responsibility, of being done with playing around and settling down. Because even if you're 35 years old and have an advanced degree and steady career, you've still got a free hand and lack of responsiblity that married people don't. You can, if the mood takes you, move across the country at the drop of a hat. I know someone (a relative) that just did exactly this. She has a Masters degree and a good job, but decided she was ready for something else. So she moved from Maryland to Seattle. Just like that. If you aren't married, you can still be, in essence, a kid. You've got to feed yourself, but you can take whatever liberties and/or shortcuts that you want.
I think this has a lot to do with our generation's lack of willingness to settle down, get married, and start families. Our generation is a generation that grew up during the idolization of adolescence. We want more than anything to maximize our personal space and personal liberty. We can talk all we want about strengthening non-marital friendships and a longing for community, and we can object that we value relationships so highly that we don't want to jeapordize them, but basically we want the benefits of marriage - social and relational intimacy and stability - without the costs - long-term responsiblity and rootedness. (The ultimate expression of this is promiscuity, but that doesn't seem to be too much of a problem for the usual readership of this blog.)
I'll use as evidence for this point the example used by the author of Urban Tribes and mentioned in The Atlantic's review. We've got "busy little beavers who are forever throwing theme parties, chewing over the state of gender relations, and whipping themselves into creative frenzies (when one friend gets a glass-blowing commission, a second makes a documentary film about it, a third milks it for a magazine article, and a fourth gets a part-time job assisting in the blower's studio)." These are not careers with long-term viability. Or, for that matter, short-term viability. They're interesting and creative, sure. But they're really low-impact: no commitments, barely any responsibility, and a minimum of capital (financial and otherwise) required. These things do not a civilization make. Nor, for that matter, are they really serious options if one wanted to support a family. They're basically messing around.
A lot of the people I know and hear about in similar situations are doing exactly the same thing: taking dead-end jobs that, while decently cool and attention-grabbing, kind of assume that the persons involved will be doing something else, hopefully but not necessarily more permenant, in the near future. They're an extension of adolescence, that state where we really could be adults if we wanted to and if society would let us. And this regardless of how well those jobs pay.
I think this is a much better explanation of our generation than bringing up utopian visions of community bliss. It also provides a fairly clear solution: stop playing around, get your act together, and join the adult world. That's where you'll find what you're looking for, if you're willing to pay the entry fee. I haven't yet, though not through lack of trying, believe me. *smirk*
I guess that's it for the moment.
What am I looking for, again?
To make your argument satisfying, Ryan, I think you're going to have to give a defense of this career-and-wife ticket to adulthood you're selling. Because I want to be an adult, sure, and I don't want to make candles, t-shirts, or digital-video movies for the next 20 years, but there are other things I want more than that. I want to have relationships with other people that aren't simply satisfying, but intensely tough, intimate, ugly and edifying. I want the kind of work that, while not necesarily a Calling with a captial C, allows me to feel like I make a difference to somebody. And I want to know what it feels like to live a life with this Jesus character everybody talks about.
If the responsibility of marriage and lifelong career is what will lead to these things, I'm game. And I'm already willing to acknowledge that marriage, at least, gives you a better grasp of your own sin and the value of other people. But I feel funny about saying it's the only path to adulthood. I know I'm being difficult now, but none of us want to call St. Paul an adolescent, right?
And I don't think you've factored in the degree to which a changing economic and social landscape factors in here. Nobody works at one career their whole life anymore, and (on the other side of that coin) many a successful CEO is single well into his 30s. Getting married and picking a career is the mark of adulthood in certain conservative Reformed churches, certainly, but I don't think it's some objective standard.
I sympathize with your concern that the hipsters and slackers are hijacking our generation, and there must be some truth to your post, or it wouldn't rankle me so much. But I've spent a good bit of time with some yuppies this past year, and they aren't any happier or more fulfilled -- even the married fast-trackers. They're looking for the same things I mentioned above, the things that I think make an adult. Responsibility is a good thing, and I need more of it, but it's just one of the first lessons of our lives.
Posted by: mesh at September 23, 2003 05:38 PMI think Mesh is close to right: but I think the argument really breaks down where you suggest that being adult equals being content/finding fulfillment.
(Quote: "It also provides a fairly clear solution: stop playing around, get your shit together, and join the adult world. That's where you'll find what you're looking for, if you're willing to pay the entry fee.")
I realize that you're talking in the context of something less abstract than simply "being content" (that you are particularly referencing the fulfillment of a desire for a particular sort of relationship), but there seem to be a bunch of different concerns floating around in here rather aimlessly (though I suppose a blog is a great place to let concerns float aimlessly).
I am edified, nonetheless.
Posted by: rob at September 24, 2003 10:15 AMI reiterate my first post: "Something ain't right, and I don't know what it is."
Posted by: ryan at September 24, 2003 10:25 AMDo you, Mr. Jones?
Posted by: mesh at September 24, 2003 10:26 AMOkay, for some cursed reason, I can't get my browser to update my view of my own blog. This is incredibly frustrating. I think it has something to do with Covenant's servers.
Posted by: ryan at September 24, 2003 10:38 AMA couple of things. First, most people actually do work the same career for most of their lives. This doesn't mean they have the same position that whole time, but when a CFA shifts companies he hasn't shifted careers. He's still a CFA, just working for someone else. A career change would be something like switching from IT to retail.
Second, I do think that the willingness to choose a single activity that one can conceivably do for the next 30 years is a mark of adulthood that can't really be replaced. So does the choice to spend the rest of your life with a single person. Both of them indicate a willingness to surrender the unalignedness of youth and dedicate yourself to a particular person and activity. It's closing off options. It's settling down.
I've got more to say but it's 11AM which means it's chapel time. Yay.
Posted by: ryan at September 24, 2003 10:50 AMthere's an interesting snippet by Chuck Colson about the Peter Pandemic over at pcanews.com
i think i'll write about this on my web log if our internet servers stop crashing
Posted by: levy at September 24, 2003 01:24 PMThe "Peter Pandemic"? Huh?
Posted by: ryan at September 24, 2003 01:27 PM"Both of them indicate a willingness to surrender the unalignedness of youth and dedicate yourself to a particular person and activity. It's closing off options. It's settling down."
But as Christians, aren't we by definition dedicated to a particular person? Isn't this why Paul told the early church it is better to remain unmarried? Lang Martin (who is quite hitched, by the way) was saying last night how strange he finds it that the church has no place for singles, when theirs is the status Paul suggests is best for living out the Gospel.
I think you're seeing a real problem with this Peter Pandemic, but I think you're overstating the efficacy of the marriage/job cure. Marriage and career are important particulars in a wo/man's life, to be sure, but they won't satisfy the longing for a universal foundation. And I think working toward that universal with a steadfast heart is the real sign of an adult.
Posted by: mesh at September 24, 2003 02:21 PMActually, the fulfillment in purpose, commitment, and calling that you're all looking for is found not in marriage/singleness, or in some mystic relation with Jesus, but in real covenantal union with His Body, the Church.
A passionate whole-person commitment to serving Christ's Body on earth is the key. Every demographic group thinks it doesn't have a sufficint place in the church. This is selfish sectarian nonsense. To modify Ryan's quote, "...a fairly clear solution: stop playing around, get your shit together, and live a life of service to Jesus and His Body." There is no more serious and adult-like commitment.
If he calls you to have a few (or many!) years without a clue of what career you're going to pursue, then so be it. Your Calling is no less clear: Serve His Body. Develop a relationship with a neglected saint over the age of 60.
If He calls you to go a number of years wondering if you're supposed to be getting married, then so be it. Quit complaining; your Calling is no less clear: Serve Him and His Body. Start discipling some kids.
Rather than longing for intimate relationships, you ought to acknowledge and be faithful to the intimate relationships you have _by nature_ in the Church. "Oh, but people don't invite me over to dinner. They only like to talk about raising kids." This is not an excuse. This type of sin on the part of your brothers and sisters is precisely WHY you are obligated to pursue faithfulness in your relationships with them ALL THE MORE.
The celebration of the Lord's Supper each week is not a naked sign. It really truly constitutes a people, a new community, a true city. Now live like it.
Posted by: nick at September 24, 2003 11:50 PMOkay, Nick, guys, points taken. I'm thinking part of the reason I took the subject off in those directions is that I was having a pretty shitty day. But that's not really what I'm about here. I know the right answers, etc.
What really concerns me is that we've got a whole lot of people that seem to be delaying their entry into the adult world as long as possible. We need adults. We need stable, responsible members of society. We need productive, career-oriented citizens. We've got slackers and over-grown teenagers. This is a bad thing.
Posted by: ryan at September 25, 2003 07:41 AMBeen reading...
Nick I dig your points, thankfully I can translate it into rest-of-the-world speak.
Ryan, what the hell are you talking about?
It's like you're playing some bizarre version of Civilization, trying to pick the best economic system along with the best religious sytem to create the ideal citizen the fits this perfect mold to be "productive" etc. etc. etc.
Who needs "productive, career-oriented citizens.?" The US? Covenant? You? You're ranting into the void here man.
Most adults outside of suburbia have no idea what they want to do with their lives, and it's a blessed person who does when they're 22 or 24 or 40. But that's not even the point, I mean, the starting point for the entire discussion (making it one of a. job and b. societal "productivity) it's completely out to lunch.
It really really really really really is, like Nick put it but I'm gonna re-word it, and issue of loving Jesus and loving your neighbor. Everything else, your calling or whatever, flows from that. Yes, we live in a society where we have the economic benefits of being able to NOT have to work in the dirt with our hands, and instead we can make a living doing pottery or something. But so what? That's the blessing we have, so just, love and serve and whatever.
I mean, it's not all that complicated really, what you've gotta do is recognize the times when you feel confused or the "path" doesnt seem clear, are rabbit trails to other idols. That tendency is a keystone of any brand of fundamentalism/legalism. Lack clarity? Make a rule, absolutize it, and gun down whoerever doesn't agree!
And the other things is, I have a sneaking suspician that this entire conversation, like you said, is motivated by personal stuff right now as opposed to some kindof conceptual clarification. Since that's the case, I would suggest the bottle, some good tunes, and some good people.
Posted by: JosiahQ at September 25, 2003 08:55 AMI can identify with your frustrations here, Ryan. I was reading just the other day that in some type of survey, Americans don't consider a person a "grown up" until they're 26 years old. What the hell is that? Many of our grandparents had to be grown up by the time they were 16! I'm thankful that we don't have to quit high school to start working and supporting our families like some of that generation, but things have gone too far. The glamorization of adolescence (mixed with the freedom resulting from the prosperity enjoyed in our country) has not done our society a lot of good.
That rant aside, I agree with Nick and Josiah that we should be finding our purpose in Christ, which practically means in the church, His body. I wonder, though, will a 20-something who is not otherwise a "stable productive member of society" feel any responsibility to the church?
Posted by: John at September 25, 2003 09:52 AMI won't repeat my answer that I've posted on the first comments section of this, so I'll just say this. If this were my blog, which it's not, I would declare this discussion over as I would feel that Nick and Josiah have echoed the Bible's answer to this question. Good answers gentlemen.
Posted by: SonofThunder at September 25, 2003 02:13 PMOf course I'm ranting into the void. Read the title.
I've been mulling all of this all day, and I think the big problem thus far is that I haven't really had an answer to the question "Ryan, what the hell are you talking about?" But I think I've got one now. I'll post it as time allows.
Posted by: ryan at September 25, 2003 02:30 PMFWIW, Ryan, I knew what you were talking about. Well, I think so.
Posted by: nick at September 25, 2003 03:08 PM