January 22, 2004
Doldrums
I'm feeling a bit better these days, but only because I'm getting used to my life, not because things have improved any. I still don't technically have a job, though I think that will probably change pretty quickly once the guys at Coptix figure out where to stick a desk for me. I don't have a car either, and that situation isn't going to change for at least a few days, as I wait on paperwork to arrive in the mail that will allow me to spend my money. So I have basically nothing to do and no way of getting around.
This kind of sucks. Firstly, feelings of malaise are pretty hard to fend off when there really isn't anything for you to do. I have no real responsibilities. You'd think that would be liberating, but it isn't. All it does is demonstrate the fact that no one needs you. Which makes you feel pretty superfluous. Secondly, leaving college is pretty tough. This is the first time I've lived out of the dorms since late August 2000 (excluding summers, which tended to suck). I've grown used to there being people around all the time, and not having to go far to see them. Now I'm by myself most of the time, my roommate having a full-time job, and since I don't have a car I don't have any way of going to see anyone.
More than that, I just changed social contexts. In college, I was a senior, top of the heap. I had a group of friends, and people who needed me, or at the very least looked up to and occasionally relied on me. All of that is gone, and I have to start over. It's true that I am among friends down here, but they've spent months to years building a life for themselves and each other, and I'm not really a part of that, not yet anyways. I'm pretty unnecessary right now.
Things are slowly coming together for me, but it's tough while I wait.
You're not unnecessary to me.
But I feel ya. It's a tough transition; I still haven't figured it out. (And you don't even have unfettered smoking as a consolation.) I think the key is to find things in Chattanooga that fascinate you as much as the things on the mountain. That, and harassing Josiah at work.
Do you want me to get anything at GreenLife, dear?
Posted by: mesh at January 22, 2004 11:56 AMGraduating college was the worst day of my life. (At least it seemed like it at the time.) The first 3 or 4 months after I moved on were unbelievably tough. Life hasn't been the same since - nothing has been as cut and dry - but in retrospect, nothing could make me go back to those days. Things will get better for you too.
Posted by: Christin at January 22, 2004 12:13 PMquitcher mopin' and write me a tech article...
i'll even pay ya for it...