Ranting to /dev/null

End of an era

Okay, I think things have finally settled down for a bit. Here's the deal.

I am taking a leave of absence from my program at Columbia. As the academic year drew to a close, a number of things provoked me to question whether or not the pre-med track is a good fit for me. First of all, my grades - while adequate - are currently not particularly competitive. As this doesn't have anything to do with my ability to master the material, I have to wonder whether this is something I really want to do. Furthermore, after spending a year doing calculus, physics, and chemistry, I've learned that I don't especially enjoy any of them. Sure, it's kind of fun to be able to describe in detail the chemical processes that compose our everyday lives, but the actual task of doing chemistry - be it calculations or lab work - isn't very appealing. And as I'd be looking forward to spending another five-odd years in the classroom before spending the next few decades practicing medicine, it may be time to take a breather, look around, and see where we stand.

The reason the past three weeks have been so crazy is that all of these concerns kind of came crashing down all at once during finals week. The story is a bit long in the tell, but here goes. My last class was on Apr. 28. My first final was to be on May 10, with another on May 12. My girlfriend's college graduation was on May 7, so I spent the week before that studying, went out to see her, got back on the 8th, and planned on having a day and a half to study before my chem final, and then two whole days to study for physics. Well, I checked my email again on Monday evening, the 9th, and saw that the room change email that had been sent out the previous week about the physics exam wasn't just a room change, it was a time change. The final was now on the 10th, which was, at the time, tomorrow. Well, crap. I did what I could, but had really planned on having two more days. I took the chem final, felt I did pretty well (I did), de-stressed for an hour or two, and then hiked back up to take the physics final. Yeah, that wasn't good. I answered a little less than half of the exam.

At that time, I thought I was pretty much done for academically. So I had to start thinking about what I was going to do. As it turns out, I was fine - there must have been a wicked curve on the physics final, because I wound up getting a B+ in the class, which is what I had going into it. I upped my GPA from the previous semester and pulled my cumulative GPA back to where it needed to be. On top of all this, I was in the process of securing an apartment for the next year, and was going to be signing a lease in the immediate near future. Just to give that extra, special touch of stress.

I went home after my last final, so May 13. I had to make a decision about where I was going to be by that Monday, May 16, because that's when the lease was supposed to have been signed. Hello, stressful weekend. I decided that regardless of my academic status, I needed to take some time off, for the reasons listed above. I started moving back to PA on the 15th, and since renting a van would have cost about $300, and I can make it to the City and back on one tank of gas, I decided to make a few trips and do it by car. I wound up making four trips, as I wasn't in any immediate hurry, and needed to take care of things in the City anyway.

I may yet go back and finish the program. My frustrations could have more to do with spending a year essentially by myself - I'd only just started to make real connections with people in the city, and spent most of my time on the phone. It could also be that I'm sick of taking freshman science courses and want to do something more interesting. But if it's an open question as to whether I want to do this, I really don't think that dropping $40k on the problem would be the wisest choice I could make.

So I've moved back to PA. I'll be paying rent to live with my parents for the next year. I've been offered a job teaching a few classes at my brother's classical school, and I'm probably going to take the position. It'd mean taking another job as well, as it's onl two classes, but I think it'd be a good experience. It would also get me back towards the humanities, where I spent all of college. The second job wouldn't have to be anything special - Staples is hiring at the moment - just enough to pay the bills.

But what has made the whole thing really crazy is that last week, my priest told me that All Angels' is hiring, and wondered if I'd be interested in a staff assistant position. So, being 3/4 moved out of my place, having decided to take some time off, there's the possibility of moving back to the city in a week or two. So I can't even really move in to my parents place, because I might be moving right back out.

The job at church doesn't look like it's going to work out. I need to inform the school of my final decision by the middle of this week, and I'm not going to turn them down unless I have another job. Which means All Angels' would have to call me tomorrow. Even if they do, I'm leaning towards staying here. So I can finally start moving in.

I'm going to take the LSAT this fall. I sat down with a test prep book two weeks ago and was answering 24 out of 25 questions correctly without any study. This would give me at least a 175 on the exam. Which ain't bad. I'll apply to law schools this fall too. And around January/February, I'll decide whether to go back to Columbia and finish the program, or go to law school, or do something else I haven't thought of yet. Either way, I'll be out of here and hopefully back in the City by the middle of next year.

I'm going to miss the city. It was a lonely place for me, but I fell in love with it. And I'll sorely miss my church. All Angels' is what made the past year even possible, and I don't know what I would have done without it. I'll miss being able to get anywhere I need to go without having to drive. I'll miss being able to order any kind of food I want and have it delivered to me within half an hour. I'll miss hanging out around Lincoln Center, especially the Loews theater there. I'll miss knowing that any time a band goes on tour, I'll be able to see them. I'll miss Central Park and the MoMA. I won't miss the rats or the roaches or the block parties right outside my window at 2:00AM or the car alarms, but at least the place had character.

There aren't a whole lot of good church options around here. Yesterday, I attended the OPC church which I frequent when I'm home. It was downright excruciating. For starters, their intern can't preach to save his life, but more than that, the liturgy seemed directionless and disorganized. It was standard, traditional Presbyterian liturgy. But it was weird: in some sense, the Anglicans are a lot more faithful to tenets of Reformational worship than Presbyterians are. In the Anglican tradition, the congregation engages in call and response with the Celebrant at just about every point in the service. There are only two times when the Celebrant speaks for any length of time without the congregation responding: the sermon, and the administration of the sacrament. Everything else - prayers, Scripture readings, greetings, blessings, are either dialogical or have responses. At the OPC, I felt like I was kind of sitting there while the pastor did his thing. For a denomination still plagued by residual anti-Catholic paranoia, this was really bizarre.

There are some good things about being home though. There are people here who care about me, my family and others. That will be a good change. My girlfriend is also in town: always a plus. And I think it will be good to be both working and doing something academic at the same time.

So there you have it. The month of May has been a whirlwind, what with a road trip, finals, and a move, but I made it. Now to put my life back together.

Posted by ryan at May 30, 2005 09:50 AM | TrackBack